, , , ,

Hello, I’m back again, again. My own body is still trying to kill me but this time it’s a great big ol’ blood clot in the leg rather than cancer. But it was caused by the cancer meds. They say it’s not the cancer that kills you, but the treatment. I’m actually in no danger of dying of cancer seeing as how I supposedly don’t have it anymore, but I’m at such a high risk for it coming back and being treatable but not curable that I have to be on drugs and then more drugs to manage the first drugs. It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Anyway, I feel fine, but being sick makes me want to watch Matlock instead of going out and finding something you all might also want to watch. A couple of nights ago I was determined to find something that would provide content here and Tubi didn’t disappoint. Except that it did, because this movie is like very little I’ve ever seen before. I don’t even want the traffic from strange perverts that watching a movie like this might bring in, but I have to say something about it otherwise I watched it for no god damn good reason. So you regular perverts, all 5 or 6 of you who normally read here, I have to recommend this movie at your own risk.

Yes, I like to think of myself as not being the type of person who watches movies like The House On Straw Hill, but the truth is there is a checklist: is it European? Is it rude? Well, sign me up. Udo Kier is on hand here as an insane writer mostly alone in the middle of nowhere in a field of some kind of corn or grass in England. We know he is crazy because the movie begins with him banging Fiona Richmond and first he reaches for the latex. Not a condom, but gloves. He puts on gloves to fuck his girlfriend. This is never explained. Also, he has visions of some guy at the window and blood and it’s all very traumatic (an alternate title for this is Trauma).

Another alternate title is Expose. That’s because this movie has more masturbation of the female variety than I’ve ever seen in a non porn movie before. They should have called it The House On Straw Jill. Udo is having trouble writing his latest artfully filthy novel so his publisher calls in a very hot secretary in the form of Linda Hayden, and she just can’t keep her fingers still when she’s not typing. I’m going to have to spoil this movie to say anything about it, so read on at your own risk.

This woman is wanking in the bed, in Udo’s head, like it’s her job, being spied on by yobs. In the yard, it isn’t hard, I’m no bard, but now I’m scarred. Anyway, she has it off with herself in between killing everyone in and around the house but Udo Kier. Except one of said yobs pops up out of the field behind her having somehow lain there with a shotgun wound for 24 hours and stabs her from behind like a precursor to Jason bursting out of the water at the end of Friday the 13th.

Why is she killing everyone? Because Udo stole her husband’s manuscript and sold it as his own and made 500,000 pounds. I’m not good with financial matters, but that doesn’t sound like “fuck you I do what I want” money to me even for the mid 70s, but this guy is riding around in a Roller and being interviewed on TV for his jet set lifestyle while the wanking lady’s husband has killed himself. Bought the farm even, you might say. Of course it’s never explained why she’s so horny. Or how she managed to kill or maim at least four people and never have a drop of blood on her.

I honestly was hoping that this whole movie was taking place in someone’s head, and if the filmmaker was trying to make us think old Udo was killing all these people and it was a surprise when Linda was the killer, they failed. On the other hand, if the writer character of Udo’s could make up a story like this, that would make people watch it and shake their fool heads 45 years later, why didn’t he just write his own book in the first place instead of stealing someone else’s?

Well, that about wraps it up for The House On Straw Hill. There’s an obvious comparison in the middle of the movie to Straw Dogs that made me really uncomfortable. And one of the yobs (isn’t that what you call English rednecks) was wearing a shirt that said “I’m a vampyre” which made me hope the inevitable lesbian sex scene would turn out to be a reveal that the two female leads were “vampyres,” but no such luck. If you have seen this movie, let me know what you thought of it, and if you would never watch something like this, don’t judge me too hard for my strange vice of Euro sex horror.