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Dear Readers,

I decided I needed a vacation, so I booked a passage on a cruise ship going to the Philippines. How exciting! A bunch of my shipmates were from a karate club in California, and they decided that the main thing they wanted to see on our tour was a place called Warrior Island, where old martial artists go to retire. But what they didn’t know is that there were also cannibal monks, zombies, and a white slave trader who looked like Hitler on the island too. I found out all of this by consulting my trusty Videohound movie guide, but nobody would listen to me since I don’t even own a belt. I figured I was safe, though, since the captain didn’t even know where Warrior Island was, and the owner of the ship was too busy drinking and telling about her old glory days as a studio contract player in Hollywood to do any navigating.

Anyway, in our first port of call, these tough dudes decided to go to a brothel in hopes of getting info on the location of this Warrior Island. Because that’s the first place you go to ask directions, right? And damned if the brothel didn’t get raided by the cops while they were there! But my shipmates got away. That night a bunch of us went to a nudie bar, cause those are always fun. Wrong! The same cops from the brothel came in there and started a big ol’ bar brawl. You should have seen it; everybody was fighting and this one topless chick just kept dancing on the bar. She was pretty cool.

Well, we got back to the ship and set sail, and the next day we were all partying and having a great time. It was someone’s birthday, and there were all kinds of people there from Jesus freaks to S&M freaks to mild-mannered third grade teachers. Someone even got the birthday cake smashed over their head! But just when things were getting really good, those damn cops showed up again. They were beating people up and killing people, and they even burned down the fucking boat! I didn’t even know you could burn down a boat because hey, surrounded by water, but boy was I wrong.

So anyway, there I was on the life raft with these three people who were having a love triangle, only it was just two of them who knew it. The captain and the owner were there too, and a few people I hadn’t had the chance to make the acquaintance of, since we were busy running for our lives. And wouldn’t you know it, oh the irony, we ended up drifting right onto Warrior Island! There were monks, just like I said, and zombies, and a guy who looked like Hitler, AND those fucking cops who burned down the boat were there too! I was starting to think that they weren’t even real cops, and I was hoping to get a chance to enjoy a big slice of “I told you so,” but there was nothing to eat on that dang island but fruit and human flesh. Man I wished I had gotten some of that birthday cake!

Then my martial artist companions got in another fight with the “cops” and the zombies and the monks. To be honest, the final fight was a bit anti-climactic after all the trouble we went to to end up on Warrior Island, but it was satisfying to see the last of the bad guys be eaten by piranhas as we escaped in Hitler’s seaplane. And I was sure glad to be on that island with those karate people, because all I could do was duck and run. I know this sounds all too crazy to be true, but it really did happen to me. The story totally should be made into a movie.

Well, I’ve got to go now. I need to rest from my vacation. Next time I’m taking a plane, renting a car, and going to the desert in Spain. Nothing this crazy could ever happen there!


Wednesday’s Child