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The cow says moo, the parrot says fuck you!

My sweet husband, who always has trouble picking a movie because he says we’re “spoiled for choice” with all the streaming sites, chose this from Arrow last night because he thought it was a giallo. With a title like Death Has Blue Eyes, I did too! He was trying to pick something for me to enjoy, because he doesn’t much care for giallos and I usually do. As it turned out, Death Has Blue Eyes encompasses every genre except giallo, and it does them all poorly. And we all know that no one should attempt to make a movie that contains every genre at once except for Hong Kong filmmakers.

The story begins at the airport, like all European road trip intrigue films. Two dirty hippies named Ches and Bob steal someone else’s limo by pretending to be the name on the driver’s sign, because the cautionary Seinfeld episode where George pretends to be O’Brien had not been made yet.

But Ches and Bob don’t get surrounded by white supremacists followed by angry protesters, just a mysterious guy on a motorcycle who follows them to a hotel where they pose as guests to get a free lunch. Because the script says so, the two blonde women who are staying in the room number they try to charge their lunch to are sitting at the next table and are creepy psychics who trap them into protecting the younger woman from assassins or something. But not before the guys go back to Ches’s house and have a three way with a nude housekeeper who owns a parrot that swears.

And the movie goes on in similar fashion. I don’t know why the younger psychic needed them for protection, except maybe from the older psychic, because these guys are three legged idiots. And they keep having side quests where they bang other chicks. There’s lots of nudity, none of it sexy. Bob even picks up a woman who is actually driving a race car, but they don’t recruit her for the many failed car chases. Ches is supposed to be a karate expert, but I don’t think he kicks anyone in the entire movie. In fact, I don’t remember any fight scenes at all, which was even more disappointing than the lack of black-gloved faceless perverted killers breathing down the phone.

Anyway, the psychic woman never needed them in the first place because she can not only read minds, she can strangle people with her mind and even create explosions. Best of all for this thriller/action/sex romp/sci fi/supernatural/comedy, she can even cause a guy to have erectile dysfunction when she’s miles away, because besides the parrot, that’s the funniest thing in the movie.

I have tried not to tell you everything that happened, but it is difficult because there’s not so much a plot as a series of events, all of them goofy. Death Has Blue Eyes is one of those low rent movies that dominated the 70s and 80s, made by a guy who saw a lot of movies and then decided to tell the world, “hey, I like boobs.” Depending on your opinion, fortunately or unfortunately the director, Nico Mastorakis, went on to make umpteen more movies including Nightmare At Noon, beloved by me for starring the great Wings Hauser and for the Rifftrax joke where Mike says “my aaaaaaaaaass” while someone flies through the air on fire after an explosion. In fact, Mike saying “my aaaaaaaaaass” makes me happier than the entire movie I just reviewed. But there’s no doubt Death Has Blue Eyes in its recently restored and re-released form is a trash classic of whatthefuckery, and we’ll watch it again because it’s kind of outsider art.