300 years ago the town of Devonsville enjoyed killing three women they had accused of witchcraft. The first two were only guilty of denying sex to some of the men of Devonsville, but the third one really was a witch and also was guilty of denying sex to some men. They tried to burn her at the stake, but she flew away cursing them. They didn’t learn their lesson, even though the curse made sure that the head executioner’s family has died from worms eating them alive for the last 300 years. In the present day, the three witches appear in the town again to confuse all of us viewers, piss off the idiot townspeople, and maybe get some revenge, eventually.

Donald Pleasance plays a doctor who is cursed because he’s a descendant/reincarnate of one of the killers. The director’s wife at the time, Suzanna Love plays the head witch and also has a writing credit. It’s a total shitshow of a movie, and also hilarious. I mean, they tried to make a feminist movie, I think, but they just went way over the top. There’s a lot of instances of characters saying that things happened which we never saw, and all the scenes end abruptly. I’m not sure if the terror of the title is the mouth-breathing residents of Devonsville or the witch. Probably both.

Definitely the real terror is not only the sexist attitudes of the men but also the incredibly flat affects of all the children. The children can be explained by the contamination the town has been putting in the water, but then, seeing as how they are about to drag out the scientist who came to study this contamination and feed her to their dogs because she’s not married and is a nature freak, it’s unlikely that problem will be solved today. But I’m getting ahead of myself. The Devonsville Terror is really one of those movies you can learn a lot from, so I made a list while I was watching it of all the things I learned.

If pilgrims tie a woman to the ground, pigs will eat her.

Let’s propose a toast to the anniversary of when our ancestors murdered three women.

If your wife has pneumonia, just smother her with a pillow.

They don’t have a hearse in Devonsville.

That sure was some grocery list.

Matthew Pendleton is a big wheel around here.

When worms are boring holes in your arm, just pull them out and keep on keeping on.

There’s nothing weird about a topless woman materializing in the back of your store.

Mushrooms are generally considered plants.

God used to be a woman.

If Ralph can’t get you into the sack, he’ll call you a quack.

Aaron has quite a lot of influence out here with the people.

Nature will take care of itself.

Many women don’t know how to listen.

People in Devonsville sure like to spit.

If you hire Donald Pleasance to be in your movie, he won’t come out of his room.

Jenny is a messenger from the unknown.

The doctor is playing a much more dangerous role in this conspiracy.

You can end a witch’s curse with a strobe light and hypnosis.

If you reincarnate into a Ulli Lommel movie, try not to miss the bus out of town at the end.