If you took the classic X-Files episode Ghost In The Machine, substituted human tripod Hank Moody for Fox Mulder, and threw it into a blender with Death Spa (adding a frozen zombie fish of course), you might get something approaching the majesty that is The Urge To Kill.
A lustful record producer named, wait for it, Bono Zorro, lives in a high tech apartment that is presided over by a computer named S.E.X.Y. Now, S.E.X.Y. is sentient, possibly because she/it is possessed by a demon woman that looks like an Instagram model doing cosplay of Ankha from Animal Crossing. Bono Zorro likes to bring lots of young ladies to his apartment, and his tastes vary from “I have big boobs and really want to be a singer” to “watch me and my associate tussle in body stockings while mud wrestling plays on TV.”
Naturally, the computer gets jealous and starts killing the women off via acid showers and jackhammering electric toothbrushes. Bono Zorro’s main girlfriend, Jane, tries to help him escape the apartment, but S.E.X.Y. has the power to make them both hallucinate, and besides Bono has a problem with his blood leaving his brain so frequently that he can’t remember whether or not he’s in danger. It all ends in what might be an homage to A Nightmare On Elm Street 3. Have a nice stroll, asshole. That’s not the part this movie might reference, but it’s the funniest line from NOES 3 in my opinion and I say it every chance I get.
There are a couple of things I have to say about a movie like this. First of all, if you want your movie to be hopelessly obsolete, include technology that doesn’t exist yet. Do you know anyone whose house is run by smart tech? I wouldn’t trust my phone to be the only way I unlock my front door, for example, when I can barely get it to dial the phone number I just screamed at it, and I certainly wouldn’t expect a naked woman to pop out of the phone, even a naked woman who just wants to make sure I remembered to buy milk. Cats riding on Roombas are cute though. Secondly, the future of the past breaks my heart in the way it never ever matches the future of the present. Where’s my post-scarcity Federation of Planets? Down the pants of a turtle alien? Playing dozens on Twitter? We all heard a loud noise one night over here on the East Coast a few weeks ago and I ran outside to see if a tree had fallen on one of the cars but it was just the sound of a spaceship coming back from where some other people had probably been, before.
The Urge To Kill was produced by Dick Randall, who was also responsible for Pieces. It also went under the more apt name Attack Of The Killer Computer, although I’m not sure where because I heard that it never had an official release. It’s a very good-natured film, much less disturbing than The House On Straw Hill (since I seem to be featuring British sex horror this week) and though Bono Zorro couldn’t act, he got some great facial expressions. I was rooting for Jane to escape, which is often a mark of enjoying a horror movie: you don’t want every character to die being shot through the nipple with lasers. We caught it yesterday on B-Zone, the best B movie channel on Roku and I say that with absolutely no affiliation as usual, just as a connoisseur of channels. If you happen to catch this oddity streaming, think of me and ask your Echo Dot to play “Together In Electric Dreams.”
P.S. It’s on YouTube!